Women often feel like they are pulled in all directions at once in terms of who and what our modern culture needs them to be. Being womanly, according to modern standards, is supporting women no matter how they choose to live their lives; being independent and self-sufficient (i.e., you don’t need a man or a family); and constantly seeking to please yourself.

The end goal is the same: The priority is the individual woman and what pleases her. There is a fundamental difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is fleeting — as temporal as eating a favorite treat. Once gone, all you are left with is empty hands. Finding true, solid womanliness that brings contentment means discerning between the lies that culture tells and resisting the temptation to self-indulge.

Like Senator Josh Hawley’s book on masculinity, this piece on femininity is meant to encourage and inspire women to embrace their uniquely different sex from a biblically based perspective.

On Beauty

Beauty has been described as a weapon, a curse. Or, conversely, it’s the holy grail or the impossible standard. Beauty is superficial, temporal, an exterior expression. What is largely forgotten is that beauty is not just an outward quality of face or figure. It is an inner expression of a contented truth.

When it comes to physical beauty, women have been taught to always be dissatisfied with their looks. Women have a horror of aging that is pressed on them by society’s ever-changing standards. In the book The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis writes from the perspective of an elder demon giving advice to his novice demon nephew. There is a section where Screwtape (the uncle) is describing to his nephew, Wormwood, about how demons use society’s ever-shifting taste to exploit weakness in the human character. In Letter 20, it reads:

As regards the male taste we have varied a good deal. At one time we have directed it to the statuesque and aristocratic type of beauty, mixing men’s vanity with their desires and encouraging the race to breed chiefly from the most arrogant and prodigal women. At another, we have selected an exaggeratedly feminine type, faint and languishing, so that folly and cowardice, and all the general falseness and littleness of mind which go with them, shall be at a premium.

At present we are on the opposite tack. The age of jazz has succeeded the age of the waltz, and we now teach men to like women whose bodies are scarcely distinguishable from those of boys. Since this is a kind of beauty even more transitory than most, we thus aggravate the female’s chronic horror of growing old (with many excellent results) and render her less willing and less able to bear children.

Some women, seeing the ever-shifting standards, decide not to engage at all. They hide any beauty they have in defiance of the “social construct.” Many more women opt to chase the beauty of their youth, but as their seasons wane, they are left with a feeling of discontent.

In Pastor John MacArthur’s book Twelve Extraordinary Women, he talks about the legacy of feminine beauty as an inheritance from Eve, the first woman. He writes: “In her original state, undefiled by any evil, unblemished by any disease, unspoiled by any imperfection at all, Eve was the flawless archetype of feminine excellence. Since no other woman has ever come unfallen into a curse-free world, no other woman could possibly surpass Eve’s grace, charm, virtue, ingenuity, intelligence, wit, and pure innocence. … Scripture, however gives us no physical description of Eve. Her beauty — splendid as it must have been — is never mentioned or even alluded to. The focus of the biblical account is on Eve’s duty to her creator and her role alongside her husband.” Like Eve, women have a legacy of beauty, but more importantly womanliness is best exemplified in our obedience and duty to God and sacrificial love to our family.

This is important to keep in mind because women’s bodies change. That is simply a fact. It changes with every time of the month. It changes after children. It changes as we age. True femininity is acceptance of yourself in the body God gave you in the stage of life you are in. True femininity is realizing that genuine beauty comes from within: kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. It’s an art that few have mastered and even less are able to comprehend.They are deceived and pulled to one side or the other: self-obsessed defiance or abject world pleasing. The true answer is somewhere in the middle, i.e, more than skin deep. Beauty is a part of womanliness, but it is not the identity of a woman.

On Relationships

Here is where a woman’s femininity really has an opportunity to shine if channeled appropriately. Women are made to be nurturers and helpers. These terms have been so degraded that many have lost sight of what strength these natural qualities are.

Let’s discuss the idea of women being a helper. Feminists hate this idea because they equate it as conceding that women are inferior if they are delegated to helping men. They misunderstand in Genesis where God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” And in Ephesians 5:22-24 where the Apostle Paul says: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

They read it without understanding that in Genesis, “helper” can also be translated as “corresponding helper” — equal yet different. In Ephesians, after describing the wives’ role of submitting, there is a caveat where men also have to put in an equal amount of sacrificial love. Verses 25-27 say, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” The husband’s job of loving, sanctifying, respecting, and protecting the wife is just as important as her deferring to the husband as the head of the household. It is a coequal arrangement.

The feminine quality of helping isn’t limited to being the wife. Not all women are married — some are not called to do so — and yet they can fulfill that helping role by helping in their community and using their gifts to bless others. Women are essential community builders and are relationally wired to do just that.

This combines beautifully with their other amazing feminine virtue of being a nurturer. Women are more nurturing than men. To nurture means to care for, encourage, or facilitate growth. This aspect of a woman’s nature can be seen in being a teacher, counselor, mother, wife, gardener, or in taking care of animals.

When channeled well, it is a lovely thing to see a woman using her gifts to help and nurture.

On Calling

Women’s highest calling is not being a wife or a mother, though that is a calling that is incredibly important and should be greatly lauded. A woman’s highest calling is to glorify God. How does a woman do that? By being the woman God created her to be and using her gifts and talents to honor God and bless others.

Some are called to honor God as a homemaker; being a creator of peace, beauty, and a thriving home. This woman may have a bustling growing family. This woman may use her home as a refuge and a comfort to those she nurtures (Bible studies, friends, people she mentors). She honors God by creating a resting place.

Some women are called to be entrepreneurs; they have the business acumen and desire to be industrious in a more business manner and provide for their families in that way. This type of woman is also mentioned in Proverbs 31 (largely considered as a guide for peak womanhood).

Some are called to honor God with their unique talents; there are artists, musicians, intellectuals, community builders, athletes, and so much more.

Our culture has perverted these things. On the one hand, the homemaker is exemplified by toxic mommy culture and wine moms. They often post on social media about how bad their kids are and how much they’d rather just go out and shop or drink wine with their friends. Their homes might be beautiful, but they are not homemakers.

The opposite of the entrepreneurial, business-minded woman is the boss babe — one whose identity is her hustle and her career. The major difference between the boss babe and the entrepreneur is that the former is doing it for herself solely to get ahead; the latter is doing it for love of God and love of people. It’s a heart issue.

The art of femininity is rich because the heart of it is sacrificial love. It is beautiful, valuable, and utterly different than masculinity, and it should be celebrated. Let’s go back to the original purpose of womanliness: Honoring God and blessing others.