Stephen Guy Hardin / July 9, 2011

Queer Eye for the Teacher

California lawmakers in the once great Bear Flag Republic have cut another notch in the bedpost of progressive political buggery. As the National Educators Association crouch in the men’s rooms stalls of the capitol the state legislature passed a bill that would make California the first state in the U.S. to mandate teaching school children to celebrate the cultural richness and societal contributions of gay and lesbian history in public schools.

The bill, passed on a strict party-line vote, adds lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people as well as people with disabilities to the list of groups that schools must include in their lesson plans. It would also outlaw any material that portrays gays in a realistic… I mean negative light.

An amendment that did not make the final cut was a bill to educate school children on the evils of conservatism and how Ronald Reagan was a closet Nazi who made Nancy sing the Horst Wessel song when he was feeling blue.

Tom Ammiano, a Democrat assemblyman from San Francisco and part time Botox sales rep, said the SB48 bill was crucial because of the bullying targeted at gay students, as well as the need to educate future generations of males on the need to mix and match accessories properly.

Speaker John Perez, the first openly gay speaker of the California Assembly and part time Jimmy Hoffa impersonator, said, “This bill will require California schools to present a more accurate and nuanced view of American history in our social science curriculum by recognizing the accomplishments of groups that are not often recognized. Unless you watch any network or cable television show or attend any Lady Gaga concert.”

Ah, yes, leave it to the Democrat Party to find another way to divide, separate and compartmentalize Americans. Divide and conquer in the name of fairness, cultural diversity and social justice should be spray painted  on the  DNC platform right up there with underage abortion on demand, income redistribution, open borders and reeducation camps.

But, I digress.

In an effort to increase support for the bill Hollywood actor and purveyor of Russian prostitutes, Sean Penn, publicly endorsed the bill by invoking the name of murdered San Francisco politician and Hollywood gay icon, Harvey Milk,

“I think all California children should be forced to celebrate their own inherent gayness. In my next life I want to come back as Harvey Milk so I can embrace the gayness I missed out on because I was tragically born a heterosexual!”

When a member of the assembled media reminded Mr. Penn that Harvey Milk was dead and thus unable to allow Mr. Penn to reenter his body, the Hollywood bad boy suffered a minor emotional meltdown. After flailing his arms about and screaming about Hugo Chavez’s rectal cancer and that Scarlett Johansson wouldn’t know a real man if she saw one Mr. Penn was led away from the microphones by his handlers into his waiting Hummer limousine.

Hummer, indeed.

The bill will now go to the desk of Governor Jerry Brown, a Democrat, who, while never having married, is well known for his love of cats and Goth vampire graphic novels. While the governor has not indicated whether he will sign the bill into law, his office issued a statement saying he will call a special hot tub meeting of his all male staff to brainstorm the issues over a nice merlot and a little brie. Former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed a similar bill in 2006 citing his strict Austrian upbringing, his long career pumping up with other men and his inability to say the word homosexual without spitting.

Republican assemblyman Tim Donnelly, who is known for his nervous eye twitching every time the word homosexual is spoken out loud, said he was offended as a Christian that the bill was being used to promote a ‘homosexual agenda’ in public schools.

“I think its one thing to say that we should be tolerant. It is something else altogether to say that my children are going to be taught that this lifestyle is good,” he said between twitches. “I think it is morally wrong to teach boys how to speak in a lisp and wear mascara!”

California law already requires schools to teach about women, African Americans, Satan worshipers, Mexican Americans, the joys of bestiality, Asian Americans, the evils of European Americans, American Indians, labor union thugs and the wonderment that is George Soros.

Over the years the California legislature has also enforced agenda driven lessons about the Irish potato famine, the Holocaust, the stealing of black music by whitey and the fascism of circumcision, just to name a few.

SB48 would require the California Board of Education and local school districts to adopt sexually graphic textbooks, upload gay and transgender porn and purchase various and sundry gay learning tools that will allow children to fully appreciate the fruits of gaydom. These materials would also include a vast array of dresses for boys from K through 5 to try on and wear during class as a means to reconnect with the warmth of their mother’s womb. Additional funding would also be made available for leather craft workshops for advanced students who show a special aptitude.

The bill’s author, Senator Mark Leno, no relation to Jay, dismissed arguments that the bill promotes certain sexual behaviors and said it was important to put gay awareness where it belonged – in kindergarten. Senator Leno also implied that it was time that California school children followed the example of President Obama and accepted their inherent gayness even if they had to disguise it as metrosexuality.

“Bottom line, it’s only beneficial to share with students the broad diversity of the human experience and that our democracy protects everyone,” he said. “Everyone except Republicans, conservatives, Christians, gun owners, and anyone who didn’t vote for Barack Obama.”

Church and conservative groups throughout the state have warned the bill will drive more parents to take their children out of public schools. Which considering the state of the government run school system in California would not be the worst thing for anyone’s children. At least with your kids going to private schools you wouldn’t have to worry about your kids developing a queer eye for the teacher.

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