U.S. — In the wake of her devastating loss to Donald Trump in the 2024 presidential election, Vice President Kamala Harris urged the people dancing and celebrating in the streets to not to be too depressed about the future.

While Americans of all ages, races, and socioeconomic backgrounds continued to joyously celebrate Trump’s return to power, Harris pleaded with everyone not to give in to any feelings of sorrow and heartbreak.

“Please, don’t — please — do not despair — I’m speaking!” Harris shouted above the celebratory crowd in a speech broadcast to tens of millions of elated Americans. “We are sad today. And sad is not happy. Sad is, in fact, the opposite of happy. And happy is what we wish we were right now. Happy is good. And the opposite of good is bad, which rhymes with sad, which is what we are here in this current time.”

Members of the ecstatic crowd were unsure what the vice president had said. “What?” one partying American citizen in the crowd said. “Did that lady say something? I couldn’t hear her over all of the cheering, clapping, fireworks, and celebration going on since the race was called for Trump. She looks like she’s really sad, whoever she is. That’s a shame, it’s such a great day. I can’t think of any day in the last four years that was this great. Did she hear that Trump won?”

At publishing time, Harris asked aides to tell the happy crowd to despair more quietly to avoid making her headache worse.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.