Minnesota Vikings Change Name to Minnesota Somali Pirates
“This could be a huge boost in interest and revenue,” said Steve Poppen, the team’s Executive Vice President and Chief Business Administration Officer.
Democrats Accuse Luke Skywalker of War Crimes for Using More Than One Proton Torpedo Against Death Star
“Totally unnecessary and uncalled for,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.
MRI Confirms Donald Trump Has Incurable Advanced-Stage Patriotism
“Nobody’s got a case of this like mine,” the president told the media in brief comments in the Oval Office.
Tim Walz Offers Journalists Free Tampons to Stop Talking About Fraud Scandal
“I can beat this story,” Walz reportedly muttered to himself, reaching deep into his coat pockets for another package of tampons.
10 More Groups Trump Is Designating as Terrorist Organizations
The host panel of “The View”: They stage a new attack every single morning.
Trump to Execute All Turkeys Pardoned by Biden’s Autopen
“Fake pardons! Off with their heads!” Trump loudly proclaimed as administration staffers lined the turkeys up.
Average IQ in Congress Expected to Rise Significantly After MTG Resigns
“The mean IQ of a Congressman will still be roughly that of a baked potato, but we’ll take it. She’s been really dragging us down.”
Do You Have What It Takes to Be a Professional Journalist? Here Are 9 Qualifications
No actual training in reporting facts: You don’t want actual news to get in the way of telling your predetermined story.
Scholars Now Believe Number of the Beast Is Actually 67
“Little did we know — at least until just now — that the proper translation of ‘666’ is actually ‘67.’”
In Devastating Blow, Newly Released Emails Reveal Trump Not Well-Liked by Pedophile
“I don’t know how Trump comes back from this,” said a White House source on condition of anonymity.
8 Ways Trump Is Exactly Like Moses
Republicans always win elections so long as Trump keeps his arms raised: Vance and Rubio are only there to help keep them up.
Scientific Algorithm Determines Most Oppressed Person in History Is Michelle Obama
“I had to endure getting my makeup done every day by professionals, and sometimes they messed up my eyeliner.”
Heartwarming: Group of Senile Senior Citizens Finally Finds Employment
The federal government is set to hire just over five hundred elderly, mentally incapacitated individuals.
Democrats Somberly Remove Sombreros, Signaling End of Shutdown
“This is indeed a mucho, mucho sad day,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries.
Congress Prepares to Pivot From Doing Nothing Because of the Shutdown to Doing Nothing Because They’re Congress
“I don’t know what the American people are really expecting.”
Top Opinion
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Hans von Spakovsky The Trump Case Is Finally Dead, but Fani Willis Left Fulton County Taxpayers on the Hook for Millions of Dollars
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Michael Reagan Exposing the Liberal Media’s Sloppy Hoaxes
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Michael Barone Closing the Door on Immigration? Not Yet.
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Gary Bauer Arrest Made
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Josh Hammer The Welcome Demise of Climate Change Catastrophism
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Victor Davis Hanson A Newsom Nihilist Nomination?
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David Harsanyi War Powers Are Dead
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Tim Graham Those Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Skipping ‘Morning Joe’
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Mark Alexander Profiles of Valor: SSgt William Pitsenbarger (USAF)
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Erick Erickson At War With Cartels
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Allen West Sympathy for the Devil
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The Washington Stand On David, Drug Boat Strikes, and Leaving No Survivors
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The Babylon Bee Minnesota Vikings Change Name to Minnesota Somali Pirates
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