10 Clear Signs of Christian Persecution to Look for This Christmas
Your sister-in-law only brought gluten-free desserts to Christmas dinner: Has she no fear of the Lord?!
Texas Issues Annual Reminder Not to Shoot Santa
“We are once again asking all Texans to please put down your shotguns for just twelve hours,” said Governor Greg Abbott.
7 Other Things Trump Is Naming After Himself
Washington, D.C. will now be Washington, D.T.: Nobody ever knows what the “D.C.” stands for anyway.
Trump Eases Marijuana Restrictions After Reviewing Extensive Research by Dr. S. Dogg
“He’s an expert, they tell me — and according to him, you can smoke the marijuana and feel great. Stay above the wicked and fly. You dig?”
Trump Imposes 25% Tariffs on All Incoming Christmas Presents From the North Pole
“We’ve been taken advantage of for far too long,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office.
Jasmine Crockett Hits Campaign Trail to Axe For Votes
“I ain’t playin’ baby girl, I runnin’, which is why I be axing you fo yo votes,” said the Rhodes graduate.
Kwanzaa Finally Revealed to Be Elaborate Prank on White People
“Yeah, you got us,” said black dude Achonte Ndukwe.
Junior Cartel Member Excited to Already Be Getting to Drive Boat
The Venezuelan cartel had experienced a spike in turnover in recent weeks, with sources saying the organization was struggling to fill boat positions quickly enough.
Atheist Looks Forward to the Warmth and Cheer of Arbitrary Cultural Traditions With No Transcendent Meaning
“It helps him stay grounded,” said his mom.
Special Needs Community Demands People Stop Comparing Them To Tim Walz
“I deeply, sincerely apologize to the special needs community for comparing you lovely people to Tim Walz,” said Trump.
Minnesota Vikings Change Name to Minnesota Somali Pirates
“This could be a huge boost in interest and revenue,” said Steve Poppen, the team’s Executive Vice President and Chief Business Administration Officer.
Democrats Accuse Luke Skywalker of War Crimes for Using More Than One Proton Torpedo Against Death Star
“Totally unnecessary and uncalled for,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.
MRI Confirms Donald Trump Has Incurable Advanced-Stage Patriotism
“Nobody’s got a case of this like mine,” the president told the media in brief comments in the Oval Office.
Tim Walz Offers Journalists Free Tampons to Stop Talking About Fraud Scandal
“I can beat this story,” Walz reportedly muttered to himself, reaching deep into his coat pockets for another package of tampons.
10 More Groups Trump Is Designating as Terrorist Organizations
The host panel of “The View”: They stage a new attack every single morning.
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