PORTLAND, OR — Despite urgent pleas from the public to address the chaos unleashed on the city by radical leftist terrorists, the mayor of Portland downplayed the threat of Antifa and announced that the group that had just lit him on fire was completely under control.

Mayor Keith Wilson bristled at media questions about the city’s response to President Donald Trump’s authorization of military troops being used to restore order to the city, assuring everyone that the fact that he had been set ablaze by Antifa was not an indication of a greater problem.

“We don’t need help against Antifa,” Wilson told reporters as he was engulfed in flames. “There is no ‘organization’ known as Antifa anyway. Antifa is just an idea. And though members of that idea have just lit me on fire, I want to make it clear that we will not stand for military troops being deployed in our overwhelmed, domestic terror-ravaged city. Boy, it sure is hot for late September, isn’t it, folks?”

Portland has long been known as a haven for Antifa, with widespread, violent protests becoming the norm over the last several years, but Mayor Wilson vehemently opposed any federal intervention. “The military has no business here,” he said as the fire spread to his eyebrows. “President Trump lacks the authority to order any military action in this city, and we will fight against him with every legal option we refuse to utilize against radical left-wing terrorists.”

At publishing time, CNN had reported that Antifa’s act of setting the mayor of Portland on fire was mostly peaceful.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.