U.S. — The American Medical Association announced the long battle with American obesity had finally come to an end thanks to EBT benefits running out amidst the ongoing government shut down.

“The government being shut down is the best thing that could ever have happened to the health of the American people,” said Dr. Anton Scout, a pediatrician and AMA board member. “People can’t afford to get fat anymore.”

EBT benefits are designed to assist lower-income families with basic needs like buying soda, paying for the Internet, and going to zoos. The program has long been criticized for encouraging emotional eating for people without jobs. But no more, says United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “Get a job, fatty,” he said.

For the first time in decades, Americans are losing weight, and they owe it all to the government shutdown. “Help me, I’m starving,” said Natalie Graves, a lower-income mother from Tennessee. “I’ll eat anything as long as it’s not fruits or vegetables.”

Democrats slammed the ongoing shutdown they’ve caused, blaming Republicans for the lack of EBT funding. “My constituents need to live off the government or they’ll turn on me,” warned Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. “Please, give in to our unreasonable demands and reopen the government.”

At publishing time, President Trump said he was so impressed with the results of the government shutdown that he had encouraged Republicans to keep it shut forever.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.