WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Thursday softening the federal stance on marijuana after extensively reviewing notes from a “Dr. S. Dogg.”

“Drugs are bad. Always say no to drugs. But marijuana? Not so bad, apparently,” Trump said from the Resolute Desk as he signed the executive order. “Dr. Dogg has done extensive research on it — he’s an expert, they tell me — and according to him, you can smoke the marijuana and feel great. Stay above the wicked and fly. You dig?”

Under the Controlled Substances Act of 1970, marijuana had been categorized as a Schedule I drug, indicating that it has no accepted medical use. But under the executive order, cannabis was re-classified as a Schedule III substance akin to painkillers. Dr. Dogg said, “That’s all I want, baby. F'shizzle, my nizzle.”

Dr. Dogg has for years argued that pot wasn’t even a drug, that it came from the earth, and that it was the universal language of all people. His claims had previously been dismissed as pseudoscience. Until now.

According to sources, the order does not make marijuana legal across the board, but will soften the federal government’s response to it in the form of softened criminal punishments, tax relief for cannabis growers, and good vibes.

Trump, who spent significant time with Dr. Dogg ahead of the EO signing, said, “You all have mushroom heads. Just chill, baby. I’m calling this the Chill Out Order.”

At publishing time, President Trump had sent an aide on an urgent trip to a local McDonald’s to order three Big Macs and “all the nuggets.”

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.