The Babylon Bee’s Official Recap of All 11 World Wars
Hopefully, this will help fill in the gaps your lousy history education may have left.
Millions of people have only just learned from Congresswoman Ilhan Omar that there have actually been 11 World Wars, not just two. Sadly, most Americans do not even know the most basic facts about these critical historical events.
To close this knowledge gap, The Babylon Bee has put together the following official recap of all 11 World Wars:
WW1 (10,000 B.C.): Dispute between Ooga and Booga over who got the best part of the woolly mammoth. Resulted in 2 deaths.
WW2 (2,700 B.C.): Tribal conflict over who got to name the cool new structure in Egypt. Ultimately won by Bob Pyramid.
WW3: Fought at Helm’s Deep between Saruman’s forces and the Rohirrim. Famously, King Théoden joined Aragorn in one last charge, just as Erkenbrand and Gandalf arrived with reinforcements, securing the victory.
WW4 (1200 B.C.): Nations descended into war over whether to stay in the Bronze Age or advance to the Iron Age. Iron advocates ultimately won out due to women telling their soldier husbands that it was “more sparkly.”
WW5 (Time unknown): Also known as the Infinity War, this conflict erupted when Thanos attempted to bring balance to the universe through aggressive population management. Opposition forces responded with time travel and a lot of standing around portals.
WW6 (1400 A.D.): The Hat Height Conflict, in which nobles escalated tensions by wearing increasingly taller hats to assert dominance. After hundreds of thousands of casualties, Pope Boniface emerged victorious.
WW7 (1950 A.D.): Commonly known as The Butter Battle, this conflict saw a bitter feud between rival clans, the Yooks and Zooks, escalate into an increasingly devastating arms race. Ended in a fragile truce secured only by the doctrine of “Mutually Assured Destruction.”
WW8 (1985 A.D.): A decades-long conflict between Autobots and Decepticons for control of Earth and/or interesting rocks. Casualties included several major cities and at least one live-action plotline.
WW9 (1990 A.D.): Sometimes referred to as The Secret of the Ooze, this was fought between a small band of mutated turtles and the Foot Clan, ultimately ending in victory for the turtles when the Foot Clan’s leader fell into the sea.
WW10 (2011 A.D.): Colloquially known as The Storage Wars, dozens of parties began fighting over the contents of storage lockers in California, setting off a deadly multi-year conflict.
WW11 (2020 A.D.): A worldwide struggle fought primarily over toilet paper supply. Millions left dead and worldwide productivity decimated.
Hopefully, this will help fill in the gaps your lousy history education may have left. After all, not everyone was so lucky to have learned World History at the “Quality Learing Center.”
From our friends at The Babylon Bee.
