U.S. — The Democratic National Committee released its autopsy last week of what went wrong in the 2024 election cycle, the contents of which turned out to just be the results of an autopsy performed on former President Joe Biden.

The post-mortem analysis, intended to help the Democratic Party learn from its mistakes and strategize for 2026 and beyond, listed Biden’s cause of death as well as all contributing comorbidities.

“In summary, the Democratic Party’s problem in 2024 was ‘chronic brain hypoxia complicated by severe white matter disease of every brain cortex’,” read DNC chair Ken Martin. “Our get-out-the-vote efforts were also hampered by ‘amyloid plaques deposited throughout the frontal lobe and severe atherosclerotic disease causing global ischemia to the central nervous system’. We really need to avoid that in the future. Having candidates who are alive would be a major step in the right direction.”

Democratic strategists vowed to learn from the 2024 autopsy report and never again repeat the same errors. “Next time around, the party is not going to ‘suffer repetitive blunt trauma due to falling off a bicycle’,” said political operative Derek Hanover. “Things are going to be different moving forward. I promise you, the final words on the 2028 report will not be ‘cerebrovascular accident’, I can tell you that right now.”

At publishing time, Dr. Jill Biden had strongly disputed the findings of both autopsy results.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.