“Past his bedtime,” read the headline of the New York Post’s print edition, and it certainly was. “Dems deliver final insult by pushing Biden’s angry, bitter speech to midnight,” went the subhead.

Midnight, yes, and Monday night — a speaking slot also known as “Death Valley,” in that the party’s biggest stars are always saved for Wednesday and Thursday night, at the end of the convention.

What a kick in those fake pearly whites. As one Biden aide told Axios: “This is awful. He literally set up a campaign and handed it over to them — do they have to cut him out of prime time?”

Answer: Yes. After an introduction by his erstwhile shower mate, daughter Ashley, Scranton Joe Biden took in the ovation and then uttered his first words at 10:28 Chicago time, 11:28 Eastern time.

And on and on he went, for 50 grueling minutes, alternating between a dullish drone and a snarling shout. As comedian Jamie Lissow put it afterward, “That was torture. Just torture. At one point in the middle of the speech, I got up and yelled at the TV, ‘I’ve told you everything I know!’”

As the Associated Press reports:

Biden, 81, received a hero’s welcome weeks after many in his party were pressuring him to drop his bid for reelection. One month after an unprecedented mid-campaign switch, the opening night of the convention in Chicago was designed to give a graceful exit to the incumbent president and slingshot Harris toward a faceoff with Republican Donald Trump, whose comeback bid for the White House is viewed by Democrats as an existential threat. … Biden insisted he did not harbor any ill will about the impending end of his tenure — despite reports to the contrary — and called on the party to unite around Harris.

About those reports to the contrary: The Daily Beast’s David Gardner writes that Biden was still “Stunned and Pissed” ahead of his speech — which might help explain why he hopped on Air Force One and jetted off to vacation in Santa Barbara immediately afterward instead of hanging around for his successor’s speech later in the week.

Here, you take the torch, he seemed to be saying. I’m outta here.

The AP said Biden spoke “clearly and energetically,” but what does it say about a president’s cognitive state that a news service feels it necessary to report what should be a given for an American president? In any case, kudos to Joe Biden’s pharmacological team.

But then, ouch: “His delivery was more reminiscent of the Biden who won in 2020 than the mumbling and sometimes incoherent one-time candidate whose debate performance sparked the downfall of his reelection campaign.”

“81 million voters voted for us,” he said with a straight face. And then he spoke about what a swell job he’s done as our president: “We’ve gone from economic crisis to the strongest economy in the entire world. A record 60 million [sic; he must’ve meant a still-misleading 16 million] new jobs. Record small-business growth. Record-high stock market. Record high 401(k)s. Wages up, and inflation down.”

And then this, after talking about how he’d brought the cost of prescription drugs down: “We finally beat Medicare Big Pharma.”

He also talked about 500,000 EV charging stations. Okay, so he was off by 499,992, but who’s counting?

Biden was loud and feisty. After all, this was his swan song. And the lie-drenched laundry list of accomplishments he rattled off might cause a low-information voter to pause and ask, Tell me again why we kicked this guy to the curb and chose that empty pantsuit Kamala?

Biden served up a few ad-libs, too, and they were among the most interesting parts of a speech that was mostly a dusting-off and recitation of past State of the Union bombast. Among those off-script moments was an equivocating stink bomb about the war in Gaza, in which he demanded, “End the civilian suffering of the Palestinian people. And finally, finally, finally deliver a ceasefire and end this war! Those pros- those protesters out in the street, they have a point. A lot of innocent people are being killed. On both sides.”

So, you see, there are very fine people on both sides — the innocent Jews and the murdering Nazi dogs of Hamas.

Biden kept his anger directed toward Donald Trump and those “MAGA Republicans,” and in yet another brief ad-lib, he said, “All that talk that I was angry to step down, it’s not true.”

Whatever you say, Joe.

All this “joy” was in keeping with the unified front that the Democrats are desperate to present. And it showed in the scripted tributes of the speakers who preceded Biden.

“Joe,” said Kamala Harris in a brief appearance, “thank you for your historic leadership, for your lifetime of service to our nation, and for all you will continue to do. We are forever grateful to you.”

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez buttered him up, too: “Thank you, Chicago, for your energy. Thank you, Kamala Harris and Tim Walz, for your vision. And thank you, Joe Biden, for your leadership.”

And Hillary Clinton: “Something, something is happening in America. You can feel it. Something we’ve worked for and dreamed of for a long time. First, though, let’s salute President Biden. He has been democracy’s champion at home and abroad. He brought dignity [sic], decency [sic], and competence [sic! sic! sic!] back to the White House. And he showed what it means to be a true patriot.”

And Senator Chris Coons, Biden’s fellow Delawarean: “On behalf of our nation, Joe, for your courage, in fighting for our democracy, we thank you. On behalf of our Democratic Party, for your loyalty in fighting for our democratic values, we thank you.” Coons then tried to get the audience to chant, “We love Joe. We love Joe.” But it went thud.

First Lady Jill Biden finally took the stage at 11:12 ET, but she didn’t hang around long. A few platitudes, a brief mention of “weeks ago, when I saw him dig deep into his soul, and decide to no longer seek reelection and endorse Kamala Harris,” then a nod toward “Kamala and Tim,” and she was off the stage within five minutes.

The essence of Joe Biden’s speech was the Charlottesville lie, which he continues to trot out, perhaps fittingly, despite even a Snopes fact-check. It’s intended as both as a swipe at Trump and as the phony raison d'etre for his 2020 presidential run: “When the president was asked what he thought had happened, Donald Trump said, and I quote, ‘There were very fine people on both sides.’ My God. That’s what he said. That is what he said and what he meant. That’s when I realized I had to listen to the admonition of my dead son. I could not stay on the sidelines. So I ran.”

2. “Very Fine People on Both Sides”

During his DNC address this evening, President Biden reiterated the false claim that former President Trump referred to Neo-Nazis and white supremacists as “very fine people” after the 2017 Charlottesville rally.

“Neo-Nazis, white… pic.twitter.com/lbCohzfArJ

— Overton (@overton_news) August 20, 2024

He talked about how violent crime was up under Trump and is down to a 50-year-low today. He talked about what a great job he’s done on the border.

Biden also disgorged the damnable ”suckers and losers“ lie: "We know from his own chief of staff, four-star general John Kelly, that Trump, when in Europe, would not go to the gravesites in one of those, in France. The brave service members who gave their lives for this country. He called them ‘suckers and losers.’ Who in the hell does he think he is?”

General Kelly, it seems to me, needs to set the record straight. Either Biden is lying, or Kelly himself is lying, or more than a dozen firsthand witnesses to these events are lying.

About his foreign policy, Biden bragged, “Three years later, Ukraine is still free!” That might be true. But at what cost and for how long? This guy seems to have forgotten that he practically invited Vladimir Putin to invade in the first place. Remember that greenlighting remark about a “minor incursion”? How many tens of thousands of Ukrainians have died during these years of bloody conflict due to Biden’s provocative weakness and that appallingly stupid remark?

A Biden speech, though, wouldn’t be complete without some good old-fashioned abortion fearmongering. “And you know,” the “good Catholic” said with a pathologically straight face, “Trump will do everything to ban abortion nationwide.”

And more lies: “Donald Trump says he will refuse to accept the election results if he loses again. Think about that. He means it. Think about that. He’s promising a bloodbath if he loses, in his words. And that he’ll be a dictator on Day One, in his own words.” Biden knows full well that Trump was referring to a figurative economic bloodbath, not a literal violent one.

Finally, mercifully, Biden called it quits. “I can honestly say,” he said, “and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, my word as a Biden: I can honestly say I’m more optimistic about the future than I was when I was elected as a 29-year-old United States Senator. I mean it.”

His word as a Biden. At least he hasn’t lost his sense of humor.