Columnist.
"I am very proud to present this award to my wife... whatever her name is."
"Without Epps, America would be a downright peaceful place. We owe him a debt of gratitude."
"I recognize that this league was built by these gargantuan lesbians, and we must honor all the work they do punching me because of my skin color."
DOGE announced that to save costs, it will simply replace all FBI agents with current McDonald's cashiers.
"You can only afford the $7000 nosebleed seats for a Taylor Swift concert."
Adding these new vows will really bring weddings into the 21st century.
Hunter Biden may be the least controversial criminal receiving a pardon.
"Bloat is the enemy of efficiency," he said.
Experts predicted they would be far too polite to raise any opposition to the idea.
"Listen up, folks… everybody makes mistakes. Hunter is the finest and most intelligent man I've ever known."
"I'm beginning to think he may, on occasion, not be totally honest," said local woman Amy Smith.
The turkey was carved by none other than a young Joe Biden.
"This would be like buying Taco Bell and turning them all into high-end steakhouses."
We will not survive this loss of creative genius.
We hope these ten things will get you through the next four years.
"Do you know who else danced? Adolf Hitler."
Harris also asked Biden to refrain from wearing his "TRUMP 2024" baseball cap around the White House.
After implementing these simple measures, America will be fit, trim, and healthy in no time.
Despite the landslide election loss, it's clear that Kamala's future is very bright.
