U.S. — Members of the national media remained completely baffled as to the target or motive of a gunman carrying a detailed, 47-page manifesto entitled “Why I’m Going To Kill Donald J. Trump.”

The document reportedly provided a handy bullet-pointed list of grievances along with a helpful table of contents detailing primary and secondary motivations for wanting to kill the president, but after hours of reviewing the manifesto, journalists came up empty as to who the gunman may have been targeting and why.

“It’s a mystery,” said CBS correspondent Norah O'Donnell, thumbing through the papers. “See right here, the gunman says that he plans to use a gun to shoot President Donald J. Trump, and explains that he’s doing so because he believes that Trump is a dangerous fascist who must be stopped at all costs. I wonder who the gunman is talking about here? Who was he after that night, and for what reason? We may never know.”

Experts explained that the gunman’s repeated references to President Trump, including a chapter called “Yes, Trump Is My Target, And Here Is Why,” should not be taken as definitive evidence of intent.

“This is going to be a tough nut to crack,” said CNN’s Kaitlan Collins. “We’re looking at everything. What drove this man to attempt such a heinous act? Was it class imbalance? Was it gluten? The search has only just begun.”

At publishing time, the media had responded with utter shock and skepticism to assertions by the administration that the target was, in fact, President Trump.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.