Here’s How 12 Different News Outlets Covered Trump’s Gaza Peace Deal
“We Retract Our Previous Article Reporting Trump Killed Eleventy-Billion Gazan Children With His Bare Hands.”
Clarence Thomas Gently Explains to KBJ That Not All Black People Are Mentally Disabled, Just Her
“You having an exceptionally low IQ has absolutely nothing to do with your skin color, Ketanji. You’re just an idiot.”
Democrats Vow to Keep Government Shut Down Until Someone Notices
“Eventually somebody will surely notice that the government is shut down. Right? We just need to be patient.”
Trump Retaliates for Peace Prize Snub With Picture of the Nobel Committee in Sombreros
“When you snub someone so badly, you deserve to become a meme.”
Greta Thunberg Awarded Nobel Prize for Ending the War in Gaza
“There has never been a greater hero for peace. It was all Greta.”
James Comey Produces Letter Signed by 51 Former Intelligence Officials Saying He’s Totally Innocent
“This is rock-solid proof of my innocence,” Comey told the court as he held up the letter.
Chicago Mayor Hoping His ICE-Free Zones Work Better Than His Gun-Free Zones
“Let’s stay positive, people. Signs can work. Just not for guns, apparently.”
9 Terrifying Changes Bari Weiss Is Making at CBS News
It appears Weiss is about to unleash a veritable journalist’s holocaust over at CBS. We wish those poor reporters well.
Cruel: IDF Forces Give Greta Thunberg Dry Sub Sandwich With No Mayo
“We are suffering greatly as we try to choke down these dry sandwiches the Jewish terrorists gave us,” said Thunberg.
Dems Call for Commonsense Sombrero Control
Schumer unveiled a proposal which aims to limit the capacity of sombreros that can be added to a video and create a waiting period for those wanting to access sombrero graphics.
7 Most Terrifying Consequences of a Government Shutdown
AOC will have to go back to bartending, but she doesn’t know how to make a rum and coke: It’s a tough recipe.
10 Changes Hegseth Is Making to Military Health Requirements
Must consume a minimum of 7 pounds of beef per day: This does not include the expected daily supplements of raw bovine liver.
‘We Don’t Need Help Against Antifa,’ Announces Portland Mayor Currently on Fire
“Antifa is just an idea. And though members of that idea have just lit me on fire, I want to make it clear that we will not stand for military troops being deployed.”
7 Ways To Treat Your Headache Without Dangerous Tylenol
Travel to Canada for healthcare: They’ll probably recommend euthanasia. But at least you definitely won’t feel your headache after that.
Kamala Does Speaking Tour to Remind Nation Why Trump Is President
“Remembering is important because of how important it is to remember. And by remembering, we are reminded of what we are remembering.”
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