Iran’s ‘Assembly of Experts’ Forgets to Include Expert on Not Getting Blown Up
“There were experts in chemistry, mathematics, but no one well-versed in not dying.”
Obama Confused to See Bombs Falling on Iran Instead of Pallets of Cash
“That’s not what I’m used to,” Obama said.
Here’s How Major News Outlets Are Reporting the Death of the Ayatollah
NPR: Innocent Ayatollah Was The Greatest Civil Rights Icon Since George Floyd. Please Give Us Money.
Politician on Epstein List Grilled by Other Politicians on Epstein List
Questioning by various committee members would encompass whether Hillary Clinton could keep her mouth shut.
8 Most Horribly Divisive Statements From Trump’s State of the Union
Our country stands more divided than ever in the wake of Trump’s belligerent antagonism.
Congress Confused by State of Union From President Who Can Talk
“It just caught me off guard,” said Sen. Tim Scott. “I haven’t heard a State of the Union with intelligible language in many moons.”
Gavin Newsom Wows Black Audience by Putting Some Hot Sauce in His Purple Drank
“I am not just trying to score points here,” he insisted. “We’re alike in so many ways.”
Canada Now Officially an American Province
“We took you over and all we lost were a few teeth,” announced President Trump. “This is so embarrassing for you.”
New Yorkers Report Warmth of Collectivism Feels Strangely Like Crushing Tax Hike
“Oh yeah, the warmth often feels like that at first,” explained Mayor Mamdani.
AOC Condemns Spain for Stealing Mexico’s Language
“What’s going to be next? Stealing the recipe for Tex-Mex chicken enchiladas?”
Trump Honors Hillary Clinton With New Federal Holiday ‘Almost Presidents Day’
“The nation’s eyes are upon all those who could have been president, if they hadn’t been total losers,” said a federal spokesperson.
ICE Leaves Minneapolis to Focus on American Cities
“Honestly, we had no real jurisdiction up there, since it’s not part of the United States,” Tom Homan said.
Democrats Counter With STEAL Act to Ban Voter ID
“This legislation is vital to the survival of our party,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries.
9 Leading Candidates for Next Year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show
It’ll be electrifying to hear Dave Ramsey lecture everyone in attendance about how much they spent on their Super Bowl tickets.
U.S. Ski Team Awarded Gold Medal for Synchronized Screaming About Trump
They just barely beat out Iran to win the gold.
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