Obama Distraught as Trump Bombs Cool Nuke Factory He Paid For
“It took a long time to build up those cool nuke factories with the huge pallets of stacked cash we gave them. I had high hopes for that nuclear program.”
Iran Clarifies Its New ‘Jew Smasher 3000’ Missile Is Meant Only for Peace
“This is just a tool for peaceful scientific and humanitarian research. We do not intend any harm toward America or the Jews, who will all die like dogs, inshallah.”
Ted Cruz Destroyed in Interview as He’s Unable to Name Ayatollah’s Favorite Starter Pokémon
The exchange of obscure Pokémon facts raises serious questions about how much the American government really knows about Iran and the Pokémon they collect.
9 Creative Ways to Achieve Peace in the Middle East
The Middle East is once again exploding, with peace in the volatile region seemingly as elusive as ever. But take heart! Peace is not as far away as you think.
10 New Amendments the Constitution Desperately Needs
All presidents shall be appointed by all-powerful federal judges: This will more closely reflect the nation’s current hierarchy of power.
Do You Have Experience in Nuclear Engineering? Check Out These Exciting New Job Openings in Iran
“These vacancies just exploded onto the scene,” said one job listing. “All experienced nuclear engineers are encouraged to apply.”
‘Trump Is a King!’ Say People Freely Protesting in a Free Country
“Trump is a tyrant! He has taken away our freedoms!” cried Mable Mcclean, a 68-year-old bisexual Episcopalian priest and part-time slam poet.
Newsom Says It’s His Duty to Represent the Illegal Immigrants Who Elected Him
“I have a responsibility to serve the people who voted for me when they weren’t legally allowed to do so,” a defiant Newsom told reporters.
Touching: Reconciled Trump and Musk Recreate ‘Rocky III’ Beach Scene
Neon-clad and muscles gleaming, the pair agreed to let bygones be bygones and get back to working together. “It feels so right,” said Musk.
Trump Responds to Mostly Peaceful Protests With Mostly Peaceful Military
“Maybe the National Guard isn’t mostly peaceful enough. Maybe it’s time to send in the mostliest peaceful of them all: the United States Marines.”
Illegals Help Film Republican Presidential Campaign Commercial
Republicans have approximately 3,000 hours of footage depicting illegal immigrants behaving violently and cursing the country that allowed them in.
9 Surefire Ways to Bring Trump and Elon Back Together
Give each of them one end of a long spaghetti noodle: They will have no choice but to kiss and make up.
8 Hacks Girls Can Use to Win Track Meets in California
Dress up so you look like J.K. Rowling: They will collapse in tears before the race even begins.
Hamas Agrees to Surrender if Europe Will Take Greta Thunberg Back
“While we have a reputation for perpetrating violent and ruthless acts against our enemies, sending Greta Thunberg here is far beyond any definition of cruel and unusual punishment.”
10 Really Gay Things You Can Do to Celebrate Pride Month
Engage in any of the activities listed below — like owning a cat — and you’ll fit right in with all the gays.
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