Hunter Biden Disappointed to Learn White Powder All Over White House Just Fake Snow

At publishing time, Hunter was overheard pleading with his father to make sure he got “the real stuff” next year.

Candace Owens and Ben Shapiro Forced to Wear Their Get-Along Shirt

While tensions were high at first, after a few hours of sulking in the shirt, their hearts began to soften.

Palestinian at Hospital for Colonoscopy Not Sure About This Doctor Holding Grenade Launcher

While not looking forward to his colonoscopy to begin with, the sight of a grenade launcher really threw Mr. Ghazali for a loop.

Newsom Assures Homeless They Can Resume Pooping on Sidewalks Once His Boss Leaves

Sources say locals were shocked to wake up on Monday and find their streets temporarily clean, safe, and free of mountains of human fecal matter.

Thousands Already Lined Up for Black Friday After Grocery Store Offers Prices From When Trump Was President

The shocking deals will reportedly extend to everything in the store, with several grocery items to be discounted upwards of eighty percent.

More Grocery Stores Installing Defibrillators at Checkout for When You See Your Total

At publishing time, grocery delivery services such as Instacart began hiring fitness trainers who could reliably withstand the negative impact of grocery shopping.

FBI Uncovers Horrifying Extremist Reading Material in Mike Johnson’s Home

Eyewitnesses reported seeing FBI agents removing the book from the home in a sealed plastic bag for further investigation.

God Rewards Only Team That Doesn’t Have a Pride Night With World Series Win

“Pride Night cometh before the fall, as they say.”

White House Accidentally Hands Out Plastic Baggies of Cocaine to Trick-or-Treaters

At publishing time, the Secret Service had confirmed they have no leads as to where the cocaine may have come from.

Newsom Shows Solidarity With Biden by Also Falling on Face in Front of World Leaders

Mr. Newsom decided it was time to support President Biden by bulldozing over a child and falling to the court like a baby giraffe.

Gavin Newsom Visits Xi Jinping to Get More Ideas on How to Run California

“Oh, and if people make memes about you resembling a cartoon character, right to jail!” shouted the Pooh Bear-shaped dictator.

Chaos at Congressional Halloween Party as House Republicans All Wear Same Clown Costume

Despite still not being able to fill the position of Speaker since McCarthy’s ousting weeks ago, House GOP members had hoped to unwind and enjoy the costume party.

This Tub of Expired Hellmann’s Mayo and 10 Other Republican Frontrunners for Speaker of the House

Hellmann’s isn’t alone. The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of the other GOP frontrunners.

Buffalo Hat-Wearing Ilhan Omar Leads Pro-Hamas Protesters Storming Capitol

In Brief: Oh, the Humor of David Weiss

Satire — or is it? Merrick Garland appoints federal prosecutor David Weiss to oversee David Weiss.