FBI Wonders if Perhaps They’ve Been Investigating the Wrong People This Whole Time
Director Christopher Wray briefly pondered how the agency had failed to stop so many violent criminals.
‘Keep Religion Out of Our Schools,’ Says Teacher With BLM, Pride Flags in Classroom
“There is absolutely no call for any sort of religion to be represented or displayed in a public school classroom — ever!”
Donald Trump Found Guilty of Being Donald Trump
“There wasn’t any way he could sit there being Donald Trump and just get away with it.”
‘Harrison Butker Does Not Reflect Our Values,’ Says League of Woman Beaters
“We sincerely apologize for Butker’s inexcusable support for family values.”
For Greater Inclusivity, Boy Scouts of America Removes Every Word in Name Except ‘Of’
“We feel this is the best way to completely torpedo any remaining relevance scouting had.”
Hamas Thanks College Student Supporters by Promising Them a Quick Death During Global Intifada
“Maybe it will only hurt for a second. But that’s it. It’s the least we could do.”
Columbia Protestors Clarify They Only Want Death to America After America Is Done Paying Their Student Loans
Protestors also called for the death of Elon Musk, but only after they get a Tesla.
World in Shock as Murderous Terrorist State Ignores Warning From Impotent Old Man
“Biden is prepared to withhold the Iranian leader’s evening treat or even his screen time.”
Biden Condemns Jesus for Rising Again on Trans Day of Visibility
“Who does this Jesus think he is?” shouted an angry Biden.
National Guardsman Being Trampled by Migrants Glad to Hear We’re Not Being Invaded
“Calling it an invasion would be racist and xenophobic. Are you racist and xenophobic?”
Millions of British Kids Forced to Live Normal, Happy Lives After UK Bans Puberty Blockers
Experts warn that without delayed puberty, British kids will grow normally.
Oscars Observes Moment of Silence for Undocumented Murderer Tragically Called ‘Illegal’
“No one is illegal,” said a tearful Jimmy Kimmel as the murderer’s picture was displayed.
Another Democrat Attempts to Purchase a Black Man
“It’s time for us to stop pretending to be in favor of freedom, tolerance, and open-mindedness.”
Man Ruled Too Senile to Stand Trial Still Fine to Run Country
In spite of the report detailing Biden’s late-stage dementia, Robert Hur confirmed Biden is just fine to continue running the country.
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