Ohtani Having Second Thoughts on Dodgers Signing After Meeting Hitting Coaches
“I’ve made a huge mistake,” said Ohtani through an interpreter.
Babylon Bee Writers Stand in Solidarity With Our Fellow Fake News Writers Going on Strike at WaPo
The writers at WP work hard to bring us their daring and uproarious brand of comedy.
Weird: Man Becomes More Conservative as He Regains Brain Function
Conservatives have sat dumbfounded as they found themselves nodding along with the Democrat.
Nation in Shock After Gavin Newsom Murdered on Live TV
Authorities are still searching for three accomplices: Sean Hannity, Ron DeSantis, and a paper map of human poop.
Squirrel Wearing MAGA Hat Seen Scampering Away From Falling National Christmas Tree
Capitol Police have launched a city-wide hunt for the dangerous insurrectionist.
Musk to Put Cybertruck’s Bulletproof Armor to Ultimate Test With Trip Through Downtown Chicago
“Whether you find yourself in a post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland or in Chicago, the Cybertruck is ready,” said Elon Musk as he made the announcement.
Hunter Biden Disappointed to Learn White Powder All Over White House Just Fake Snow
At publishing time, Hunter was overheard pleading with his father to make sure he got “the real stuff” next year.
Candace Owens and Ben Shapiro Forced to Wear Their Get-Along Shirt
While tensions were high at first, after a few hours of sulking in the shirt, their hearts began to soften.
Palestinian at Hospital for Colonoscopy Not Sure About This Doctor Holding Grenade Launcher
While not looking forward to his colonoscopy to begin with, the sight of a grenade launcher really threw Mr. Ghazali for a loop.
Newsom Assures Homeless They Can Resume Pooping on Sidewalks Once His Boss Leaves
Sources say locals were shocked to wake up on Monday and find their streets temporarily clean, safe, and free of mountains of human fecal matter.
Thousands Already Lined Up for Black Friday After Grocery Store Offers Prices From When Trump Was President
The shocking deals will reportedly extend to everything in the store, with several grocery items to be discounted upwards of eighty percent.
More Grocery Stores Installing Defibrillators at Checkout for When You See Your Total
At publishing time, grocery delivery services such as Instacart began hiring fitness trainers who could reliably withstand the negative impact of grocery shopping.
FBI Uncovers Horrifying Extremist Reading Material in Mike Johnson’s Home
Eyewitnesses reported seeing FBI agents removing the book from the home in a sealed plastic bag for further investigation.
God Rewards Only Team That Doesn’t Have a Pride Night With World Series Win
“Pride Night cometh before the fall, as they say.”
White House Accidentally Hands Out Plastic Baggies of Cocaine to Trick-or-Treaters
At publishing time, the Secret Service had confirmed they have no leads as to where the cocaine may have come from.
Top Opinion
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Matthew Continetti Joe Biden Is 2024’s Chaos Candidate
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The Washington Stand Fentanyl Failures, Pronoun Proclamations, and Border Breakthroughs: Top 3 Stories You Missed This Week
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The Institute for Faith & Freedom Protecting Our Grandchildren — Or Not
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Erick Erickson A Lack of Imagination
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Victor Davis Hanson Can the Current Universities Be Saved?
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Josh Hammer Joe Biden, Dearborn Shahid, Commits Political Suicide via Hamas Appeasement
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Michael Barone Campus Riots and a Chicago Convention: Deja Vu All Over Again?
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David Harsanyi Taxpayers Are Subsidizing College Extremism
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