Columnist.
Hallmark Cards offered a new line of recession-themed cards which console people who've lost his jobs. The response was huge. So many of these cards were mailed to the Congress and the White House that it could save the Postal Service from bankruptcy.
President Obama's speech calling for tax hikes sank the stock market two hundred points. His speech to Congress sank the Dow two hundred points. He could save the Pentagon lots of money if he'd start giving speeches about reforming the Chinese Navy.
The White House set up an Internet site called Attack Watch asking people to report all criticisms of President Obama. They want to know every nasty remark. The next day the servers crashed from all the traffic, and that was just from the Democrats in New York.
Caroline Kennedy did interviews about her book of Jackie Kennedy's taped conversations describing life with JFK. The book quotes everything her mother said about her father's White House infidelities. Bill Clinton just bought Chelsea two yachts and a car.
The Pentagon confirmed last week it killed al-Qaeda's new leader in a drone missile attack in western Pakistan. In the last three years, three leaders and their replacement leaders have been killed by the U.S. military. Who says President Obama isn't creating jobs?
Washington D.C.'s earthquake prompted an immediate evacuation of all federal office buildings. No one's hurt. The government came to a complete halt at twelve o'clock noon and by sundown the United States was debt-free and the budget was balanced.
President Obama arrived in Iowa in a brand-new massive armored presidential bus he rode around in Iowa Tuesday. It's a political tactic. He's so determined to make the Republicans spend more money on infrastructure he is weakening the bridges personally.
President Obama went on TV Monday to back the credit of the United States. He said he doesn't care what anyone says, America will always be a AAA country. That makes Obama the first president ever to tell the nation that we'll never be called up to the Majors.
President Obama went on TV Tuesday to announce that the debt ceiling bill was passed in the Senate before the deadline. It was a heroic moment. Millions of Americans without jobs or money or a way to pay their bills are thrilled that an economic catastrophe has been averted.
China's scientists finished a study on time travel and stated it's impossible because nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. They had to try. China realized their only way of dumping U.S. Treasury bonds was to go back in time and never buy them in the first place.
The Weather Channel reported triple-digit temperatures Wednesday extending from the Midwest to the Eastern Seaboard. The heat combined with high humidity made life hard to bear. It's so hot in Washington D.C. that Congress voted to have a fan installed in the debt ceiling.
The Wall Street Journal reported that American kids failed a recent U.S. history test given nationwide. It's appalling. Three-fourths of American kids knew that we gained our independence from Great Britain but no one knew the date we lost our independence to China.
President Obama began using Twitter in a town-hall meeting at the White House. His aides must write all his Tweets for him. By the time Obama is finished blaming Bush and blaming the Republicans he doesn't have enough characters left to blame Wall Street.
Boston mobster Whitey Bulger told feds he went to Tijuana with a fake ID to buy heart medicine while in hiding. They don't require prescriptions. Mexico said it's just another example of Americans sneaking into their country to take advantage of their health care system.
Congress investigated gun-running to Mexico and called ATF agents to testify. The lawmakers found out that fifty percent of the guns found in Mexico come from the United States. At the same time fifty percent of the people found in the United States come from Mexico.
Mexico threatened economic reprisal against the U.S. over Alabama's immigration law. They are a huge trading partner with tremendous natural resources. In addition to producing oil, beer, tequila silver and strawberries, Mexico is the number-one producer of Americans.
President Obama dismissed talk of a double-dip recession Tuesday, saying he's optimistic about home construction numbers. He's understandably grasping for any good news. No one has the heart to tell him that home construction is always up in the month after tornado season.
Wall Street fell three hundred points Wednesday on news about low home sales and poor manufacturing reports and the low number of new jobs. It's going well. The New Dictionary of American Psychiatry states that the first step to curing depression is to re-name it a recovery.
The TSA ran a fake bomb through the Minneapolis Airport security checkpoint in a drill. The screener found the bomb and notified the police, who didn't know it was just a drill so they shut down the airport. Now that bin Laden is dead we have to be our own enemy.
Air Force One missed its approach on a runway Wednesday with President Obama on the plane. The pilot didn't like cloud cover and pulled up and circled for a second approach. Three newspapers lost their White House credentials for downplaying the threat to the country.
